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24th-Jan-2010 09:22 pm(no subject)
I'm done with LJ guys. I'm still around to read your posts and DL music but that's it. I'm sick of the ads and I feel like I have nothing to say. And also, I started a new blog. Penny Days. So come visit me there. Leave me comments. Do you have a blog? Find me on twitter (starsgoneblue) or facebook. Love you all. ♥
18th-Dec-2009 10:19 pm(no subject)
is it already the middle of december? really? 2009? this year is so close to being over. i'm pretty thankful for that, actually. even though i'm a fan of odd numbers, and odd years stand out in my mind, this year has had some truly amazing moments. really, really amazing ones. but i feel like it's time for something new, some sort of change or cosmic change or something. i've been reading harry potter at work, i started deathly hallows yesterday and i'm already more than a third of the way through. i've been trying to save money, but instead i've been paying off smaller debts i have. that's better than spending my bonus on a new computer or an ipod or tv... but still, i need money to move out, which will hopefully be happening soon. february-ish. or march. i had chinese food for dinner and it made me feel so sick. now i'm starving. i'm watching julie/julia. that doesn't help me be any less starving. i need to make changes and actually follow through. i need to stay connected with people. write my own stories. keep things clean. exercise.

i've been trying to take walks during my lunch hour. i drive down to the center of middleboro and walk around the block, usually drinking something warm from cafe milano, stuffed from something pastry-like and freezing to the bone. i've been wearing ugly socks with my flats because idont have any warm weather work appropriate shoes. i walk by the library and think about going inside. i look through all the store windows. one day i butted in on a `conversation with a woman who owned a boutique i was browsing through. i seriously love the center of middleboro. it's so cute and small and there's all these little places that are so foreign though i pass them all the time. it's so so so cold out. the countdown until spring begins in two weeks -- i realized last year that i start that countdown every year, announcing it here, and i didn't even realize that i had done it the year before.

anyway, what have you all been up to? i feel so disconnected.

also, can i tell you how pissed/annoyed i am by these POP UP ads that livejournal is throwing at us? ridiculous and annoying and that really makes me consider finding somewhere else to write.
6th-Dec-2009 07:08 pm - november <3
let me tell you a little bit about my november. november is always one of my favourite months and i'm sure everyone can guess right away it's because my birthday is right in the middle. november is also national novel writing month, and we all know how i love writing novels. thanksgiving is in november and also veteran's day. it's the start of the christmas season, the weather isn't usually too terrible and sometimes it snows but it's okay because we aren't already sick of the snow.

so this november i turned twenty-five. i had my best friend by my side for that sort of epicness. we had awesome adventures that included getting to know my brother and his girlfriend a little better - to the point where hanging out has become sort of regular, and definitely comfortable, celebrating her half birthday and watching a christmas carol in 3d. i got really drunk on white zinfindel and realized that wine is definitely the alcohol i need to be drinking if i want to get drunk. because otherwise... i have a really hard time even getting tipsy. we got lost in boston, we were serenaded (well i guess i was because it was "happy birthday") by gay waiters in the cheesecake factory. we played on swings

for the rest of my november, let me summarize: i started taking anti depressants toward the end of october. those can take up to five weeks to start really working. by the time five weeks was up i had had an amazing two weeks and i was kind of depressed by sending sarii back to south carolina. so i couldn't accurately report anything on my follow up doctors visit. instead she upped my dosage, which i've yet to start taking. before sarii even got here i got my first kiss and an attempted make out session in a target parking lot with this guy i met online. i left target overwhelmed and unsure that i like kissing. also unsure if i even like this guy.

november ended with: me buying the best christmas present -- tickets for sarii to come up for new years, and it also ended with me pinned against this guys' car, his tongue down my throat and his hand in my pants. outside of panera bread. it took that for me to realize that i definitely don't like him because i felt nearly nothing the whole time we were together. but i also concluded that i don't hate kissing. i just wasn't into kissing him.

that was last sunday. and i haven't contacted him since. ironically he texted me today to tell me he met someone else and blah blah blah i'm a lovely person. i am amused, to say the least. and sort of already talking to someone else. more real details to come sometime in the future.

here's to december 2009, it's a funny sort of month already and we're only six days in. i'm currently texting my brother, trying to bribe him to buy me reese's. it's probably a losing battle, but i might as well take the chance.
26th-Nov-2009 08:22 am(no subject)
things i love/ am grateful for thursday
happy thanksgiving everyone. i feel like it's too early to be awake but i fell asleep sometime around 10:30-11pm last night. it's thanksgiving now, and i'm not such a huge fan of turkey unless it's deli meat on my sandwiches, but that's okay, really. so here's some things I'm grateful for today

* November
* real friends
* Sarii
* a weekly paycheck
* health insurance
* White Zinfindel
* cup-pies
* Gerardy
* the internet
* this non-freezing weather
* teal nail polish
* www.yesandyes.org
* being able to READ <3 <3 <3 at work
* writing letters
* pilgrim hats
* my own bed
* being able to afford food
* an education that's being put to waste
* inside jokes
* TV shows that make me laugh
* texts from last night offers hours of amusement
* facebook statuses
* people who get it, whatever it may be
* first kisses, however awkward/ weird/ strange/ everything about it is.

What are you grateful for?

M: (954): I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why is this something I would seriously do if there was a turkey in our fridge right now? Siiiiigh.
21st-Nov-2009 12:41 pm(no subject)
i feel like i've been away from lifejournal for years. my last update was almost an entire month ago. i wrote one tilt in my moleskine, but never typed it. i need to buy new moleskines because i'm out of pages. november has been an amazing month, it's flown by way too quickly and it's nearly thanksgiving. sarii's here, we're watching it's always sunny in philadelphia. later we're going to buy pilgrim hats. and force gerard, ashley and justin to wear them later. i got drunk the night before my birthday on wine. so much wine. it was sort of amazing. no hang over. no feeling like i'm too warm or too full to keep on drinking. i announced i was immortal, threatened to suck sarii's blood and took a lot of pictures. i feel like at the end of all of these days i keep thinking to myself that i should have taken more pictures. it's been sort of a while since i've felt this way, which is likely because my days are usually all mundane and regular, filled with customers and coworkers and the people who work at panera bread who are making my dinner. i've become the biggest advocate for ridiculous anything. not like i wasn't a big fan before, but i feel like i'm more aware lately. just say things that dont' make any sense. make a list of reasons why your day was epic. laugh over the stupidest shit. watch it's always sunny in philadephia then drink boxed wine out of empty diet coke cans. paint your nails purple. think about writing a blog.

last week i turned twenty five (i turned twenty five days ago....). i want to make a list of 25 things to do in 25. i want to write blog entries and think about going to library school. i want to start that novel i've been outlining since august. i want to get a move on. move out of my house into our own version of epicness. twenty-five feels weird, but i haven't really had the chance to think about it yet, i have yet to feel twenty-five at it's finest, the words haven't quite sunken in. so far twenty five has been filled with cupcakes, candy, spending time with my best friend, her non-boyfriend my brother and his girlfriend. eating chicken biscuits, driving to salem and watching episode after episode of it's always sunny. i feel good about twenty five in all of the nine days it's had me. twenty-five is going to be filled with doing, experiencing and documenting. and i'm really god damn excited about it.

((these are from last night at fridays))

26th-Oct-2009 09:07 pm(no subject)
sometimes i feel like i should take up a hard drug habit... then i say things and i'm not even sure why i say them.
i am trying to figure out what to do with myself. when all is said and done (i dont know, but cliches just pop into my mind) and i'm done with work i've lost all motivation to actually do anything else. all my ideas i had at work are gone and i spend the night watching television shows on my computer.  i keep questioning everything, but i dont get any answers. i just get more questions, more frustration. thoughts like i should write in livejournal then i realize that i dont have anything to say. i dont feel connected here anymore. i try to reach out and stay connected with people i know. i'm the most anxious when i'm not hanging out. i can't figure out what this anxiety means. some days it's fleeting, other days it's there constantly. i try to figure out what i am without it. what i am without being depressed. who i am beyond being bored. or, more importantly , who i want to be.
18th-Oct-2009 03:02 pm(no subject)
I am slightly obsessed with clear stamps I've seen at Walmart and Michaels. I spent nearly a half hour looking at them in Michaels today, trying to decide which sheet I could start out with, but since they're mostly $10 a peice and I do not have any ink or anything else, I decided not to buy any today. Indecision wins again. I couldn't pick out a movie to watch earlier, so I didn't end up watching any. Which is okay because I was letter writing. Which is why I want to buy stamps in the first place -- to make stationery.

Borders doesn't carry the book I want to buy, Writing as a Way of Healing, but it's on amazon. My only issue is that I end up spending more money when I order online, even if it's just so I can get the free shipping. I don't have money this week anyway, I should be saving everything. Which is why I should make a trip to the library. I feel like therapy may not be helping me, at all. Mostly because my therapist spends too much time telling me stories about her son and her other patients and I spend my time outside therapy collecting examples of why my life sucks just so I have something to respond with when I go there, because usually it doesn't cut it when she asks "how are you" / "what's going on?" and i mostly just shrug. I do feel sort of better lately, my boredom has mostly manifested itself as just that: boredom. I have an urge to write, but not much to say. This weekend I've been sick. Oh and I saw Hanson on Wednesday. Ill write about that later.

Last night I baked cupcakes with Kat. I hadn't seen her since the beginning of September since she's been sick and I've been busy (doing what? i don't even know). She took home most of the cupcakes and ate about six at my house (they were cute mini cupcakes), which was surprising seeing as she never eats anymore. Gerard wanted to eat the whole bown of cupcake batter while we were making it. He kept commenting on how he had dibs on licking the bowl. I told him he could only have the bowl if he actually licked it. He has a girlfriend now, her name is Ashley. Once she came over, he didn't want to lick the bowl anymore, but I made sure she knew that he wanted to before. She's cute, I like her. She's a hair dresser. Maybe I can afford to be a redhead after all :)

12th-Oct-2009 09:25 pm(no subject)
so.i do not like tumblr. it's too weird, and i can't figure out how to enable comments. and i have nothing to write about, blah blah blah.

i need to find a new hobby.

i might have adhd. if i do, i feel like that explains a lot about everything. it also makes me frustrated that i didn't figure this out sooner. i may actually have gotten something out of my education if i was being treated. also for depression and anxiety. but i guess now's a better time than later, right?

... that's all that's going on right now
1st-Oct-2009 05:11 pm(no subject)
it's been a long week. & i've sort of struggled to compile this list. for some reason on mondays and tuesdays i have more to love than thursdays. this week though, it's been a struggle all week long..

things i love ♥ ♥ ♥
$39 plane tickets
finding cranberries on the side of the road
receiving TWO Francesca Lia Block books in the mail. and a day before I expected them
getting out at 115 on a thursday
watching Pushing Daisies with Krista and eating too much pizza
having amazing birthday plans

Scissor Sisters - Paul McCartney
(the video is a little creepy. and not the music video for the song)

28th-Sep-2009 08:48 pm(no subject)
so today Sarii and I were looking, quite randomly, at plane tickets for her to come to MA for my birthday. We found a jetblue ticket here for $48 including tax. so I bought the ticket for her to come here. because knowing is better than wondering if it'll ever happy. I'm really, really excited. I wouldn't want to spend my 25th with any other person than her . <3
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